It's not a state, it's a skill.

Don't want you to adore me, don't want you to ignore me.

2009-08-10T09:20:55Z

It's Monday morning, hello to the new week.
I think today I'm going shopping with 3 friends, so a trip into the city.
Always depresses me because walking through the city makes me realise how fat and ugly I am next to some girls, seriously round by my house I know most people and I don't really get jelous but seeing model like girls in the city makes me want to cry, but gives me great determination nevertheless.
Also a lot of walking around involved :)

xo

If there is anybody out there.

2009-04-26T13:53:05Z

Reading this and you want to be able to read my posts, please comment to be added as a friend.
thanks xo.

Not funny

2009-04-23T21:57:19Z

There's is a pathetic tv show on skitting kate moss on e4 and its making me want to punch the fucking screen, I love Kate Moss she changed the fashion industry forever.

But anyway, I just realised I never uploaded them pictures I said I would, not that anyone would want to see them, fatfatfat. But I will soon, when I feel I can.
Had 250-300 today, not too bad but not good enough when you feel the amount of fat hanging off of me.
Stay safe if there is anybody listening.

Fuck..

2009-04-22T20:54:17Z

I don't understand how I can feel so much like a failure when I've ate a 110cal salmon fillet, a few lettuce leaves, 1 40cal yoghurt and 2 apples all day.
Ahhh fast tomorrow :| for sure, stupid fat bitch.
I'm watching The Notebook, one of my favourite movies, it's so sad. I love romance films they make me forget everything for a while.

I hate myself

2009-04-04T14:01:48Z

Forever and ever and ever.
I go on a uni trip on monday and guess what? they're making meals, not me.
what the fuck am i going to do for 3 days?!
I'm just gonna' buy a box of cereal bars, and have 3 a day.
as for my meals, i don't eat breakfast cause it makes me feel sick so i'll just tell them that I don't care what they fucking think and the other meals I'll just throw away, how selfish am I, horriblehorrible girl, when people are starving I throw away food and waste it.
Selfish fat bitch.
I've got shit loads of studying to do aswell today, argghh, probably put my mind off other things.
Last night I went out and i didn't drink aswell which was a surprise and had a better night than weeks when I drink.
Anyway I'm uploading some pictures on this later of my stomach and legs, I don't know actually, I'm scared.
But then again, like anyone reads my blog? I'm uploading them so I can look back and see change, improvment hopfully.
Not hopefully, I am CERTAIN improvment will happen, I'm not staying like this anymore, I'm sick and tired of this.

Feeling Awful

2009-03-30T19:14:16Z

I really am :( Today has been awful I've been angry like all day and my throat is raww off purging.
Arghh not eating anything tomorrow and the next day, fuck knows how I'll get round that it's driving my mum mad.
Tomorrow I'll say I feel sick and go to bed after school (how fun) and the next day I'll go into town after school and say I got something to eat while I was there.
and also running tomorrow morning at 6am, yayyy :D

Goddd I hate watching stuff like The Hills, 90210, ANTM and The City, all so fucking skinny and happy and prettyyyy:@
How I wish time would just pass me by, I want it to be tomorrow so I can go out and runn and feel empty and clean and in control.
so I guess writing these pathetic entries which nobody reads sort of passes it so I'll carry on.

Town wednesday what will I buy hmm.
Maybe some new shoes and some books? I really want to get back into reading I seem to just read the twilight saga over and over again.
I really need some new jeans also but I feel FATTTTTTTTTTTTT and don't want to buy them until about a month.
I really feel like eating nothing thursday too, I just want this weight to go quickerr omg, how i want this so much more than anything.
What books shall I buy? I seen some really sad ones about child abuse which I want to read...trust me to read the depressing ones.
How discusting is fat omgggg, I just hate feeling it under my skin, I pull at it all day long I just want to dissolve it all, it's fucking discusting.
Whale.whale.whale.whale.whale.whale.whale.whale.whale.whale.whale.
damnitttt only wasted 5 minutes writing this, oh fuck it i'm going to sleep, then i'll wake up and it'll be tomorrow which means runnnnrunnnrunnn.

Love xo

Purge

2009-03-29T17:44:24Z

PurgePurgePurgePurge.
That's exactly what I just did but had to stop cause I could feel my heart going frantic. What am I doing to myself.
Fuck eating tomorrow and the next day, anythings better than feeling like this.

It's never enough

2009-03-29T16:55:29Z

Is it? This morning I might have felt the tiniest bit smaller, nearly happy with myself but no now i feel discusting, I wouldn't care if someone come and shot me.
I havn't even binged, well really I've had about 400 calories today and went for a 2 hour walk but no I just want to cut myself up and squeeze the fat out, stupid fat bitch.
What are people talking about when they say ohhhh your so skinny, nononono, I am not, I'm a fat horrible whore and I will be good enough one day and I don't care if it kills me
ARGGHHHH FUCKING HORRIBLE FATT SLUT.
:@

It's funny

2009-03-28T19:22:53Z

How you can spend so much time looking for what you want, your type and you find them in the most obvious places, right in front of you. It really is.
I went shopping today with friends and I had a good time despite only buying a hoodie, a hair band and a comb. I was going to buy some Vivienne Westwood perfume also, Let it Rock? But I'll get that next week....
also seen 2 dresses I fell in love with, and the dress I want for prom which I will get, it's Kate Moss brand which makes it even more beautiful cause she is one of my many inspirations.
This week has been crazy, if anything I've had to remind myself to at least eat something because my mind has just been focused on so many other things.
I feel good, I hope it lasts for fucking ever.

"Cross my heart and hope to die, it's my own cheating heart that makes me cry"
I lovelovelove that quote so muchhhhhh.

oh & one last thing, its officially summer here tomorrow.
hotpants, ice cream, no more cover ups? I don't think so.

Pathetic.

2009-03-20T20:53:27Z

I am pathetic.
Why do I need alcohol to impress somebody?
Because your a pathetic mess.

I think I might have fallen for somebody but I feel I need substances to make me feel at ease around them.
Substances mean major calories and me staying major fat.
Ok so maybe if I fast the day before I drink and the day after I drink and the day I do drink eat about 5 slices of nimble bread which equals 250 cals and maybe some skimmed milk to line my stomach, so 300 at the most.
And then the alcohol bringing me to something like 1000-1200 EWWW.
But split between 3 days isn't too bad If I make sure I work out a bit extra on those days.
Why the fuck I need alcohol anyway, I don't know.
I'm a fucking physco.

Will I Ever Learn to Love Myself?

2009-03-01T13:28:28Z

Face
I wonder to myself when I will ever be satisified with how I look. Not only body, although thats the main part of this but my face also. Sometimes I just need to talk to someone about this but I can't cause that's seen as attention seeking in my mind. I pay a fortune for my makeup, I get the colour matched to my skin yet I cry everynight at how wrong it looks. I use the lightest colour for my skin tone and yet I feel like my face is blotchy and orange and red. I'm also so angry because the make up artist said my foundation was maximum coverage, it's not its medium and for the past how many months i've been looking like a clown because of her stupid mistake. I just want to pick my face off, bit by bit and start again. My nose is huge and I don't have any feautures at all, I have tiny lips, and tiny eyes, and tiny eyelashes and my cheekbones don't even exist. As for my hair It used to nearly down to my hips and now it's about 2inches down from my shoulders. I'm never going to be satisfied with the colour because no matter how many times people say "OH YOUR HAIR IS SO WHITE AND I LOVE IT", I will hate it because it's yellow. I need to get a fucking grip because beating my self up doesn't work. Neither does scratching my face or pulling my hair and eyelashes out. Sometimes you just need to settle for the fact your ugly, that's what I need to do.

Body
Despite being ugly and there being nothing I can do about it, I can always have the self control over my body. Starving works no matter what people say. Self control, my favourite two words, over the years they have become my entire life. Urghh I'm in desperate need of a new wadrobe but I just can't bring myself to buy anything cause I still feel fat, no not fat, obese. The fatty deposit hangs off my beautiful bones, the only beautiful thing about me, something everyone has, bones but not everyone can let them show and everytime I bring myself to eat food they fade away. I crave perfection, as vein as it sounds. How can I be vein? Or love myself? I hate myself more than people can imagine and yet I manage to let people think I'm ok with how I look. They think I'm happy, I'm sick of this mask. I wish a life out of the twilight saga really existed. For someone to turn you into a vampire, you'd become perfect because your looks, voice and smell lures people in. I think I'm insane and I think that this life isn't good enough for me. No magic, No perfection just being fat and ugly on a normal boring day to day basis.